gratitude

This year was undoubtedly the most difficult and the most rewarding year of my life, and still I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Gratitude toward the people in my life who exude positivity and compassion and are unfailingly kind. To those who inspire me to be a bit more like them.

Gratitude toward the various bloggers on the web for wielding their voice to impart hard-earned wisdom, making me feel that I was less alone in a foreign country - like I had a direct line to their brilliance by way of their writing.

Gratitude toward myself for trying to learn what makes me tick, sitting down with my fears and trauma, chasing the things that excite me, and learning to get out of my own way.

Here are a few love letters.

to: friends

When I think about my dearest friends, they each have a set of personality traits which I deeply admire. Each personality has a sort of fingerprint - a particular configuration of harmonic characteristics which come together to produce a kick ass human. This fingerprint is built by layering and interweaving interactions over time, becoming ever more nuanced. When I think of these friends, I immediately conjure an outline of their most inspiring traits.

My dearest friends are, perhaps unsurprisingly, my biggest role models. I want to be more emotionally intelligent like one, more spontaneous like another, more confident and decisive like some others. Just by being themselves they’re a constant source of inspiration, lending a hand to help me clarify who I want to be. I know it’s possible to be that kind of person, because they show me every day.

to: voices of the web

This year I’ve read 50 books, consumed hundreds of articles, and listened to 272 podcast episodes. Sure, quality over quantity, but through this massive amount of input I’ve gotten a feel for how to sniff out the good from the bad.

I’ve come across content that has inspired me, challenged my beliefs, and even changed my mind. The volume and diversity of content I’ve consumed this year has greatly enriched my life. So much so that, even with little community in Japan at the time, I feel that my perspective on who I am and what I want out of life have been developing at a speed and depth that I have never known. I love my daily and nightly routine of reading. I love sharing articles I’ve happened upon with people and discussing the content. I love the exchange of ideas and reflection it encourages.

I wouldn’t have been able to develop these insights if these people never drafted their articles, and I’m a wholly better person because they did.

Thank you for your blog.

to: myself

Some of the most valuable skills I’ve learned this year are: pay close attention to your energy levels, and never stand in your own way.

Keeping a watchful eye on when I shift into my “I need to learn more! I am physically buzzing with energy!” or “I need to get the hell out of here” mode has paid dividends. It’s a shortcut to knowing who to spend my time with and who to avoid, as well as what to work on and what to set aside.

I think I figured that out in the middle of the year.

Even when I had that dialed in, I struggled to engage my curiosity as old habits resurfaced. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn’t know how to do it, or if I could. Did I have time? What if it was too hard? What if it sucked? What if it was a waste? What if your criticism here? The situation with personal endeavors is not so different from the professional variety, but you are only accountable to yourself. There are far fewer systems in place to encourage success.

Hobbies often fell by the wayside as autopilot took over and drove me straight back to my comfort zone. At some point, some part of me started to feel indignant that I had something I wanted to do but wasn’t acting on it. I was waiting for permission.

This was probably the biggest breakthrough realization for me this year, and a recent one at that. When paired with the rebooting of my self-confidence¹, the destruction of my imposter syndrome, and the vanquishing of my perfectionism, I have never felt more in control or limitless. I’ve since started a course on animation and hand-rolled this site to experiment with sharing my ideas and being wrong in public.

I’m immeasurably grateful to myself, as this was a trajectory-altering discovery.

fin

Writing is hard. This is my first ever post, and while it ended up more verbose and took 3x longer than I expected, I’m pleased with how it turned out.

I’m sincerely looking forward to 2025. I have plenty to be grateful for, new hobbies to look forward to, and plans to build an online and in-person community. I’m excited to see what life looks like having untangled my personal and work identities as my curiosity guides me toward a more unencumbered artistic mental playground.

Happy new year!